From the grandmother, to the mother, to the aunts, to the neighbors, to the house maid, everyone has a suggestion and an option to propose. The only ones not giving any names are the girls’ close friends, because they understand, that the most important opinion-holder right now, is Ayesha herself. We need to ask Ayesha, who she wants to marry.
Make no mistake, the grandmother, mother and all the other ladies have the best of intentions at heart, although there can be a few exceptions, but the problem is that they are suggesting what they think best, whereas sometimes it is not about having the best but what touches the heart.
The mother should be, the girl’s best friend, and she should have been the one asking her daughter with discretion, ‘Ayesha, who would you like to marry?’ Yes, Islam is not against it.
Only, Islam gives guidance to mankind, both boys and girls, as to how they should make intelligent decisions regarding all important matters of life, including marriage. Let us see what Islam has to say regarding selecting a life-partner.
“When a man of good manners and sound religion gives a marriage proposal, accept it.”
[Hadith of Timizi]
“A woman is sought after for four reasons; her wealth, her family, her beauty and her religion. Woe unto you, choose the one of sound religion.”
“A woman is sought after for four reasons; her wealth, her family, her beauty and her religion. Woe unto you, choose the one of sound religion.”
[Hadith of Bukhari and Muslim]
Is this the criteria that you had in mind, Ayesha? Is this the criteria you had in mind, Ayesha’s mother?
Sadly, in today’s world, even most of the parents, who are supposed to be the embodiment of wisdom for their children, have lost the true criterion by which they should advise and seek life-partners for their children.
Much crookedness is rampant in our society while seeking marital matches. We lie through our teeth about the girl’s age and have the audacity to insist that the ID card is lying. We give false appearance impressions with heavy makeup and other accessories like high-heels. We tell tall-tales about the girl’s housework capabilities. And so on. Girls are forced to nod their agreement to these lies, else, do not underestimate; the girl may be poked, pinched or even kicked under the dining table over which the very same honored guests are presiding.
In the first place, it is our duty to train our daughters appropriately to know, manage and supervise housework. It is also the duty of the daughter to accept this training. Next, we should not lie about her housework capabilities. Lying about housework capabilities is as unethical as holding a false academic degree for which our politicians are today being chucked out of politics and facing humiliation.
Sometimes, the marriage options become a tug of war between the parents themselves. The father wants his nephew as his son-in-law and the mother wants her nephew as her son-in-law.
Moreover, close to the marriage, the girl is probably than not at a maturity level that she knows her strengths, weaknesses and aspirations of life. She should try and see if they match with the will and circumstances of the husband-to-be. It is dishonesty if she has some aims and objectives of life other than family life, but she withholds the information for fear of rejection and intends to pursue them when the marriage has been secured. Aspirations developed later on are an exception.
Getting back to the criteria issue, the biggest tag officially looked for in a boy is money and then good character, and in a girl is housework capability and then beauty or vice versa by the boy. Compare this with the Ahadith above.
Even the ‘good character’ looked for in a boy these days is simply that he should not be a womanizer and will not look for a second marriage after he marries our daughter or will not indulge in extra-marital affairs. No other character feather, such as gentlemanly behavior, sense of social responsibility or bravery and valor for the Muslim nation, is looked for in his hat. What kind of children will such a boy father, who is devoid of the real qualities of life? Crude, selfish and useless Muslims, what else? That is exactly what we have around us today.
Let it be noted that Islam highlights the importance of good manners in a boy separate from and prior to mentioning religion, although good manners is itself part of religion. This is because it is extremely important for the boy to be amiable and a gentleman, for if he is not so, everyday of the married life will become a living hell and the girl then cannot do much about it short of divorce.
Then, there are two other criterions recommended by Islam when selecting a life-partner, that is, physical appearance and social status.
Reports Syedna Mugheera bin Shoba RA: I told Prophet Muhammed Pbuh that I have sent a marriage proposal to a woman. Prophet Muhammed Pbuh asked me, ‘Have you seen her?’ I replied, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Then have a look at her, for it will be a source of love between you two.’
Is this the criteria that you had in mind, Ayesha? Is this the criteria you had in mind, Ayesha’s mother?
Sadly, in today’s world, even most of the parents, who are supposed to be the embodiment of wisdom for their children, have lost the true criterion by which they should advise and seek life-partners for their children.
Much crookedness is rampant in our society while seeking marital matches. We lie through our teeth about the girl’s age and have the audacity to insist that the ID card is lying. We give false appearance impressions with heavy makeup and other accessories like high-heels. We tell tall-tales about the girl’s housework capabilities. And so on. Girls are forced to nod their agreement to these lies, else, do not underestimate; the girl may be poked, pinched or even kicked under the dining table over which the very same honored guests are presiding.
In the first place, it is our duty to train our daughters appropriately to know, manage and supervise housework. It is also the duty of the daughter to accept this training. Next, we should not lie about her housework capabilities. Lying about housework capabilities is as unethical as holding a false academic degree for which our politicians are today being chucked out of politics and facing humiliation.
Sometimes, the marriage options become a tug of war between the parents themselves. The father wants his nephew as his son-in-law and the mother wants her nephew as her son-in-law.
Moreover, close to the marriage, the girl is probably than not at a maturity level that she knows her strengths, weaknesses and aspirations of life. She should try and see if they match with the will and circumstances of the husband-to-be. It is dishonesty if she has some aims and objectives of life other than family life, but she withholds the information for fear of rejection and intends to pursue them when the marriage has been secured. Aspirations developed later on are an exception.
Getting back to the criteria issue, the biggest tag officially looked for in a boy is money and then good character, and in a girl is housework capability and then beauty or vice versa by the boy. Compare this with the Ahadith above.
Even the ‘good character’ looked for in a boy these days is simply that he should not be a womanizer and will not look for a second marriage after he marries our daughter or will not indulge in extra-marital affairs. No other character feather, such as gentlemanly behavior, sense of social responsibility or bravery and valor for the Muslim nation, is looked for in his hat. What kind of children will such a boy father, who is devoid of the real qualities of life? Crude, selfish and useless Muslims, what else? That is exactly what we have around us today.
Let it be noted that Islam highlights the importance of good manners in a boy separate from and prior to mentioning religion, although good manners is itself part of religion. This is because it is extremely important for the boy to be amiable and a gentleman, for if he is not so, everyday of the married life will become a living hell and the girl then cannot do much about it short of divorce.
Then, there are two other criterions recommended by Islam when selecting a life-partner, that is, physical appearance and social status.
Reports Syedna Mugheera bin Shoba RA: I told Prophet Muhammed Pbuh that I have sent a marriage proposal to a woman. Prophet Muhammed Pbuh asked me, ‘Have you seen her?’ I replied, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Then have a look at her, for it will be a source of love between you two.’
[Hadith of Tirmizi]
Secondly, Islamic jurists have derived, in varying degrees, the principal of similarity of social status between the boy and the girl when contemplating marriage.
Secondly, Islamic jurists have derived, in varying degrees, the principal of similarity of social status between the boy and the girl when contemplating marriage.
[Al-Fiqah Al-Islami wa Adillataho, V. 7, P. 240, 241]
Yes, for the good news of the youth, appearance does matter, but are you sure that it is all that matters to you?
For why is it that mothers and other grown-up ladies, who have gone through the early phase of marriage, place so much importance on financial resources being an important criteria for marriage? When marriage is being discussed, and a mother speaks of looking for a ‘settled’ guy, the poor girl’s heart sinks in distaste as her mind conjures up the image of a fat, balding man coughing his way through his middle-ages. Stereotyping! We can very well put at least half of the blame of this stereotyped impressions in our minds on our fictional novels and dramas.
Young and good-looking boys can be financially settled too, so at least let your mother speak, listen to what she has to say and think about it. Why? As young girls, we are unaware of the financial struggle of our fathers that exists behind the food we see on the table, the clothes we wear and the cars we move around in. When we say, ‘I am not materialistic, nor a gold-digger. Love is all that matters to me’. The first part of the claim is very good but the second part is unrealistic. If love is all that matters to you, and you are insisting on marrying a guy way below the lifestyle you are used to, then first try using the public transport for about a year instead of using your family car, quit sleeping in the air-conditioner one summer and take baths in the winters using only a saucepan full of hot water which has been heated on the stove because there is no geyser. When the husband would not be having money to buy diapers, and the babies wet over you in the night, all the love you felt will fly out of the closest bedroom window.
That is why Islam too recommends marrying close to your social status; neither too below, nor too high. Yes, nor too high. Many a times mothers, and sometimes girls themselves, are very interested in marrying into families of very high social status. That can be a disaster too. For every class have their own norms. It can get difficult, irritating or suffocating for the girl to follow them and if she is not able to pick the new lifestyle in time and comfortably, it can get uncomfortable or embarrassing for the boy and he might turn harsh and humiliating towards her. Imagine a middle class girl being told to eat her daily breakfast of omelet with a knife and fork. She might do it for a few days but in due time she would feel like throwing the fork, the omelet and the vase sitting primly on the center of the dining table, hard on the wall across.
Having said all this, I have to put in that as it is with all principles, exceptions do exist. It is not impossible that you can marry across class, profession types and such social barricades. However, such decisions need to be taken with much thought, dry-run analysis and consultation with family, any relevant experienced person and most importantly Allah Almighty.
Yes, consultation with The Creator, The All-Knower and The Most Wise, Allah Almighty is most important of all decision factors, because it is a decision of the unknown. This consultation is known as Isthekhara. It should be done by the girl herself, the girl’s family and should not be sought in the ‘holy market’.
Consultation with the family is important because, first of all, it is their right, for you are their child; they brought you up, care for you and love you. Secondly, God forbid, should your marriage get into trouble, they are the ones who will assist you. And, God forbid ever, should your marriage breakup, you will return to them.
Got it? It is good manners and sound religion, totality of religion, physical appearance and similarity of social status that you have to think about.
And if you are a person who has aspirations in life in addition to family life, then be vocal about it. You will be told to keep quiet, but it is unto you to be honest. Have faith in Allah Almighty; He is the one Who inspired you with your aspirations and gave you the talents to fulfill your aspirations. He must have created your match accordingly. All you have to do is pray and wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Dear mother, if there are two people befitting the said criteria, with some plus and minus here and there, but one is your choice and the other is your daughter’s choice, then let it be your daughter’s choice, because, it’s her life and Islam gives her the right to make this decision about her life.
If the boy is not too well-off, but seems responsible and promising to do well in the future, then give him a chance, because wealth is something which can come and go, but good manners and religion and physical appearance stay more or less the same.
A Sahabi once asked for a Sahabya’s hand in marriage. She refused. He went to Prophet Muhammed Pbuh and asked him to intervene on his behalf. Prophet Muhammed Pbuh did so. So the Sahabya asked the Holy Prophet Pbuh, ‘Is this your order or only a suggestion?’. He said, ‘It is only a suggestion’. A suggestion of the blessed Prophet Pbuh to any Muslim is something of a reverence, something to cherish and something to be proud of, yet, the Sahabya, was allowed to make use of her human right of personal choice in marriage as stated by religion, and stood by her refusal. Then why, as parents, do we make our children’s personal choices and happiness an issue of personal ego and family dishonor when the Prophet Pbuh did not do so ?
Yes, for the good news of the youth, appearance does matter, but are you sure that it is all that matters to you?
For why is it that mothers and other grown-up ladies, who have gone through the early phase of marriage, place so much importance on financial resources being an important criteria for marriage? When marriage is being discussed, and a mother speaks of looking for a ‘settled’ guy, the poor girl’s heart sinks in distaste as her mind conjures up the image of a fat, balding man coughing his way through his middle-ages. Stereotyping! We can very well put at least half of the blame of this stereotyped impressions in our minds on our fictional novels and dramas.
Young and good-looking boys can be financially settled too, so at least let your mother speak, listen to what she has to say and think about it. Why? As young girls, we are unaware of the financial struggle of our fathers that exists behind the food we see on the table, the clothes we wear and the cars we move around in. When we say, ‘I am not materialistic, nor a gold-digger. Love is all that matters to me’. The first part of the claim is very good but the second part is unrealistic. If love is all that matters to you, and you are insisting on marrying a guy way below the lifestyle you are used to, then first try using the public transport for about a year instead of using your family car, quit sleeping in the air-conditioner one summer and take baths in the winters using only a saucepan full of hot water which has been heated on the stove because there is no geyser. When the husband would not be having money to buy diapers, and the babies wet over you in the night, all the love you felt will fly out of the closest bedroom window.
That is why Islam too recommends marrying close to your social status; neither too below, nor too high. Yes, nor too high. Many a times mothers, and sometimes girls themselves, are very interested in marrying into families of very high social status. That can be a disaster too. For every class have their own norms. It can get difficult, irritating or suffocating for the girl to follow them and if she is not able to pick the new lifestyle in time and comfortably, it can get uncomfortable or embarrassing for the boy and he might turn harsh and humiliating towards her. Imagine a middle class girl being told to eat her daily breakfast of omelet with a knife and fork. She might do it for a few days but in due time she would feel like throwing the fork, the omelet and the vase sitting primly on the center of the dining table, hard on the wall across.
Having said all this, I have to put in that as it is with all principles, exceptions do exist. It is not impossible that you can marry across class, profession types and such social barricades. However, such decisions need to be taken with much thought, dry-run analysis and consultation with family, any relevant experienced person and most importantly Allah Almighty.
Yes, consultation with The Creator, The All-Knower and The Most Wise, Allah Almighty is most important of all decision factors, because it is a decision of the unknown. This consultation is known as Isthekhara. It should be done by the girl herself, the girl’s family and should not be sought in the ‘holy market’.
Consultation with the family is important because, first of all, it is their right, for you are their child; they brought you up, care for you and love you. Secondly, God forbid, should your marriage get into trouble, they are the ones who will assist you. And, God forbid ever, should your marriage breakup, you will return to them.
Got it? It is good manners and sound religion, totality of religion, physical appearance and similarity of social status that you have to think about.
And if you are a person who has aspirations in life in addition to family life, then be vocal about it. You will be told to keep quiet, but it is unto you to be honest. Have faith in Allah Almighty; He is the one Who inspired you with your aspirations and gave you the talents to fulfill your aspirations. He must have created your match accordingly. All you have to do is pray and wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Dear mother, if there are two people befitting the said criteria, with some plus and minus here and there, but one is your choice and the other is your daughter’s choice, then let it be your daughter’s choice, because, it’s her life and Islam gives her the right to make this decision about her life.
If the boy is not too well-off, but seems responsible and promising to do well in the future, then give him a chance, because wealth is something which can come and go, but good manners and religion and physical appearance stay more or less the same.
A Sahabi once asked for a Sahabya’s hand in marriage. She refused. He went to Prophet Muhammed Pbuh and asked him to intervene on his behalf. Prophet Muhammed Pbuh did so. So the Sahabya asked the Holy Prophet Pbuh, ‘Is this your order or only a suggestion?’. He said, ‘It is only a suggestion’. A suggestion of the blessed Prophet Pbuh to any Muslim is something of a reverence, something to cherish and something to be proud of, yet, the Sahabya, was allowed to make use of her human right of personal choice in marriage as stated by religion, and stood by her refusal. Then why, as parents, do we make our children’s personal choices and happiness an issue of personal ego and family dishonor when the Prophet Pbuh did not do so ?
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