Lady Boss

Eye to eye, they look at each other. So who will be the boss around here now?

There is the mother of the bridegroom. She has spent her prime years serving her mother-in-law. She was the good wife who never ate before her husband came home. She was the sacrificial mother who skipped eating herself to feed her children if the food was scarce. She worked all day and late into the night. If ever there was a female’s funfair or workshop in town, she could not take out time to go to it as she had to serve food to someone or the other in the family every other hour, and nobody was willing to take over even the simple task of making the evening tea. As she sees her daughter-in-law coming in, in her heart she says goodbye to her days of toiling.

There is the newly wedded wife. She has just left a house where she was one among many siblings. Baba dictated all the do’s and dont’s. Or was it Mama? When she used to talk on the telephone for too long, they used to get angry, and tell her that she must obey them. When she wanted to move out her bed and sleep on a floor mattress, they used to get angry, and tell her that she must obey them. When she wanted to choose her subjects in college, they used to get angry, and tell her that she must obey them. She desperately waited for the time when she would be on her own. As marriage comes closer, she cherishes the thought of becoming the queen of her new life.

Kaboong !

The hopes of both of them dash as the expectations of both of them collide in a loud crash.

For the mother, it is not that difficult to assert her position of power, for everyone in our society is well-reminded of the Prophetic saying, ‘Jannah lies under the feet of the mother’. As a nation, each of us selects a few favorites from religion and broadcast them well to suit our purpose. The son, who is also the husband, usually has not given much regard to this holy saying prior to marriage, but suddenly becomes mindful of it to keep his wife dutiful towards his mother.

For the wife, hmmm, it’s a bit of an uphill task. Which path should she choose? Should she be the submissive Indian shastri? Or should she be the double-character, sugar-coated pill? Or should she simply burst out and declare herself to be a Punjabi jutni? Or should she look towards religion for a genuine solution?

If she chooses to take the submissive line of action, that is, foregoing her dreams and toiling on in the hope of getting a breakthrough one fine day, well she will just be continuing the vicious circle of female-power-politics. She will then expect the same from her daughter-in-law and so on.

If she simply bursts out her hopes and frustration, she is likely to get kicked out herself. Or, if the husband is unwilling to leave her for whatsoever reason, both of them are then likely to get kicked out for violating the family power hierarchy.

Well, what is this double-character, sugar-coated pill? Should one try out this?

It is a woman who is different inside and different outside. She cannot or does not want to expose her true feelings, so she keeps these feelings wrapped in brilliantly colored but fake words and gestures. She will say something, but mean something else. And she will achieve her plans by a very complicated sketch.

The first step of this sketch is redefining relations. Usually, a person has direct relations with many people in his life. And if the person is emotionally intelligent, he does not allow one relation to rule or overrule the other. This woman will first try to severe all these relations and make herself the center of contact of her husband. Anyone who wishes to keep relations with her husband must go through her. For this purpose, she will subtly and cleverly create a negative image of the people around him by ‘innocently’ and repeatedly pointing out their mistakes and negative character traits, for who doesn’t have any? But, highlighting them and enlarging them makes a difference. A point in time will come that the husband will say, ‘This person is a nag, please do not allow him/her to see me unless you take explicit permission from me’. Bingo! The wife has now become the personal secretary of the husband. She will tell you that he is asleep if she does not want you to talk to him.

The second step of this sketch is to redirect passion. A person is usually passionate about his other family members for love, care, companionship and support. Now, the wife must portray such an image of herself in front of the husband that it suddenly dawns on him that God has ultimately blessed him with a person, a wife, who is the true embodiment of love, care, companionship and support. The people around him so far were stupid, careless and did not love him as much as she does and he deserved. And it is now that he realizes all this. Bingo! The wife has now also become the center of attention for the husband. He will jump at the drop of her first tear, but he will not notice someone else’s eyes dried of endless tears shed.

The third step of this sketch is to reverse the reality. The wife has been on a ‘secret mission’ of redefining relations and redirecting passion. Since it was a secret mission, it all happened silently. However, all these changes in the natural relationship cycle of the prior family is bound to incur emotional outbursts, just like a storm is preceded by an eerie silence. When this outburst occurs, the wife feigns surprise in front of the husband and everybody else as well. The ones she has punctured see through her facade while the husband and the few others untouched ones do not. However, before anyone else can become vocal, the wife quickly takes on the role of a peacemaker and soother. She will try to cool down the aggravated person, in front of the husband of course. She will offer him/her a glass of water, which the other person perhaps feels like throwing at her false face. And if the person does so, the ‘saint’ will appear holier and the ‘trouble-maker’ will appear a certified nuisance. Then the wife will go a step further in her sainthood. She will speak of forgiveness and patch-up for the person to her husband, who is right now very annoyed and disgusted at the person who has burst out and created a fuss for no ‘visible’ reason. Bingo! The wife has now become a saint in the husband’s eyes. She is the one always right, always wronged by others and always making peace.

Reader, I do not think I need to tell you that the double-character, sugar-coated pill option is not a good option. For the simple reason that, lying is one of the qualities of the hypocrite, being double-faced is considered one of the worst personality traits in Islam and ‘redefining’ relationships comes under the category of severing relationships.   

Allah’s Messenger Pbuh said, ‘Shall I inform you of the biggest of the great sins?’ They said, ‘Yes, O Allah’s Messenger!’ He said, ‘To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one’s parents’. The Prophet Muhammed Pbuh was reclining, but then he sat up, saying, ‘And I warn you against giving a false statement’. He did not stop repeating that warning, such that the companions wished that he would quiet down.

[Bukhari: Book of Good Manners]

The Prophet Pbuh said, ‘The worst of people in the Sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection will be the double-faced persons who appear to some people with one face and to other people with another face.’

[Bukhari: Book of Good Manners]

The Prophet Pbuh said, ‘Allah created the creations, and when He finished from His creations, Ar-Rahm, the womb said, ‘O’Allah, at this place I seek refuge with You from all those who sever me, that is, sever the ties of kith and kin’. Allah said, ‘Yes, won’t you be pleased that I will keep good relations with the one who will keep good relations with you, and I will sever the relation with the one who will sever the relation with you’. It said, ‘Yes, O my Lord’. Allah said, ‘Then that is for you…’ Allah’s Messenger Pbuh added, ‘Read in the Quran if you wish, the statement of Allah: ‘Now what can be expected of you, if you are put in authority, other than to create mischief in the land and violate the ties of blood’. The Holy Quran, (47) Surah Muhammed, Verse 22]’

While a very simple solution to this entire tangle is honesty, management and seeking support of Allah Almighty. Did you speak of your expectations at the time of marriage? Do you know that Islam allows for a married couple to have an independent home, even if it is a portion within a house? Do you take support from Islam only when it suits you or do you pay back as well ?